#223: How to Overcome Chronic Dieting: Embrace Self-Love and Body Acceptance

Do you ever feel like your toughest critic? Join me as I sit down with Marla Mervis-Hartmann, an inspirational body image expert and the creator of "Love Your Body, Love Yourself." In this episode, we explore the hidden struggles of emotional eating and the surprising first steps towards conquering it.

Join us as we uncover the secrets to transforming your mindset and learning to love the body God blessed you with. Tune in to discover why this shift is the key to breaking free from emotional eating habits!

Links mentioned in this episode:
Don’t forget to pre-order Marla’s book, Be-Friend Yourself to unlock exclusive pre-order benefits, including a self-guided course and workshop to kickstart your journey towards self-acceptance. 

Check out Marla’s TedX Talk here!

The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry: How to Stay Emotionally Healthy and Spiritually Alive in the Chaos of the Modern World

Connect with Marla:
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Fast to Faith is hosted by Dr. Tabatha Barber — OB/GYN, functional medicine physician, and founder of the Fast to Faith Sisterhood and Coaching Academy.

Transcript

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Dr. Tabatha [00:00:00]:
Okay, I have a question for you. Do you love your body? That is a really important question. And my guest today, who is the creator of love your body, love yourself, is going to help you access a yes to that question. Like, yes should be your answer. Yes, I love my body. And I get it. That might sound crazy or impossible. That's how I felt for a long, long, long time.

Dr. Tabatha [00:00:28]:
But we are going to talk about this today. We're going to unpack, like, how to friend yourself, how to change your relationship with yourself, because that is the key. If you're like, I can't lose weight, I can't heal, I can't do this, I can't do that. It might be that you have to change your relationship with yourself. So I'm really excited about this conversation. Let me just talk about my guests real quick. Her name is Marla Mervis Hartman, and after experiencing years of dysfunction in relation to food, exercise and body confidence, she transformed her life through the radical act of self compassion and friending yourself. So she has since used her experiences to help empower women as they choose appreciation for their bodies, honor themselves through nourishing lifestyle choices, and cultivate confidence along the way.

Dr. Tabatha [00:01:25]:
Marla works at Ipono, which is an eating disorder recovery center. Sharing her body love Reichi circles and is known as leading body image expert and Reichi master at Journey Malibu, which is a drug and alcohol rehab center. She has been featured at TEDx Salinas. You gotta check out her TEDx talk. It's so good. The link is in the show notes, but her dedication to women's studies has had several focuses, including sexual wellness, postpartum care, pelvic floor support, tantra and yoga instruction, massage therapy and lifestyle coaching. Through love your body, love yourself. It's so important.

Dr. Tabatha [00:02:08]:
Marla's mission is to inspire women to feel good about themselves as they pursue the lives they desire. Currently, Marla lives in Maui with her husband, Olaf, her son and her son, Aspen. She's a professional coach, speaker, facilitator and living light Reiki master and instructor. So her book is coming out in the fall called befriend yourself. But we're going to talk about everything that's going on in that book. And she's got bonuses for you to get started now because I really want you to get into action. You know, a lot of times we're perfectionists. We want to think about stuff.

Dr. Tabatha [00:02:52]:
We want to plan, we want to prepare, we want to research. Is this the right thing for me? It's going to be uncomfortable. I'm going to have to change some stuff. And so we second guess and we talk ourselves out of a lot of things. And I want to encourage you. If something pulls at you, if something nudges you, like, gosh, I really should try that. I really need to be doing that. Wow, that's really interesting.

Dr. Tabatha [00:03:21]:
Let me check that out. I would encourage you to get into messy action. Action creates clarity. So it's really hard to get clarity with just researching and listening over and over and over until you're like, blue in the face. You lose the desire, the momentum, the emotional spark that you have about something. So if something's tugging at you today, just go for it. Just try something new. If there's something in the back of your mind that is like, you know, you're supposed to go to the gym, you know, you wanted to go for that walk, or, you know, you wanted to open the Bible and find a new scripture that speaks to you, like, whatever's nudging you and nagging at you, just go for it.

Dr. Tabatha [00:04:16]:
Get into messy action. And definitely listen to this entire episode because we're going to talk about, like, why are we gaining weight? And perimenopause. The why is so important. Weight gain is a symptom of something deeper going on, and we're going to talk about how you can figure that out. How do you even unpack your why? Where does that come from? What does that look like? And then what are the tools to tackle that, to overcome that and to shift things so that you can finally release the weight? Marla and I are on the same page with a lot of this stuff, so I'm really excited for this conversation. Let's dive in and then let me know what you thought. I want to hear your feedback. I'm here to serve you.

Dr. Tabatha [00:05:06]:
So I obviously, I want to hear what you have to say about all of this. Right? And can I just give a public thank you to crazy Aunt Jamie? That's what she calls herself on Apple Podcasts. She left me a five star review. I'm so appreciative because women need to know when they are looking for someone to trust with their information that they're listening to, they're reading your reviews. So thank you, crazy Aunt Jamie. I'm not calling her crazy. That's what she calls herself. But she said, Doctor Tabitha is phenomenal.

Dr. Tabatha [00:05:43]:
I only recently discovered Doctor Tabitha, but I can't even begin to explain how truly grateful I am for the information she provides, the detailed explanations, the personal history, all of her efforts are genuinely helpful. Impactful and, yes, life changing exclamation point. Oh, my gosh. That fills my heart. I love hearing that. Thank you, thank you, thank you. That is why I'm doing this. Right? And when women read that review, they're going to be like, yes, sign me up.

Dr. Tabatha [00:06:14]:
I want that, too. So thank you. Thank you for that time. It probably took 30 seconds, but it could change another woman's life. And so at the end of the day, I always say, like, have I impacted another woman today? And if not, like, what can I do tomorrow for that to happen? And you should do that as well, because we are all a sister of sisters, a sisterhood of sisters, and we should be supporting each other. So thank you for that and thank you for all the future reviews coming in. All right, let's dive into the show. Welcome, Marla.

Dr. Tabatha [00:06:54]:
I'm so excited to have you on the show.

Marla  [00:06:57]:
So glad to be here. Thank you so much for having me.

Dr. Tabatha [00:07:00]:
Oh, my goodness. Okay, so as soon as I heard you the first time on your TED talk, I was like, this woman is speaking my language. Oh, my goodness. Let me see what else she's got going on. And I just love everything you're doing because you're getting to the why. The why of why we want to lose weight, why we want to feel good in our body and look a certain way. And I just resonate with so much of what you talk about. So I'm really excited to have you here.

Marla  [00:07:29]:
Yes. I always say, unfortunately, my story is not unique, and so many women can really relate to a lot of the woes and challenges and struggles that I've had, and I'm on the other side of it, which feels like a complete miracle. And so I feel like it's been my mission that God has given me that. It's like, okay, this is. It's time to share. It's time to support others.

Dr. Tabatha [00:07:56]:
Yeah, exactly. And some of that just comes with age. Right? I know that, like, as soon as we get into our forties, we just stop caring so much, but there. There is that little lingering, like, concern and worry and comparison. So I would love for you to talk about that. Is that kind of, like, where all of this comes from for you, is just not worrying anymore?

Marla  [00:08:22]:
Well, I think you're right when you said that. There's that lingering thing. I think as we get older, we get wiser. And I've had clients who are in their seventies who are still struggling with the obsession of their food, their obsession of body, and never really letting that peace, which is this deep seated space of worthiness around our body and our food. And often it comes from trauma. It comes from. And I don't even mean, like, huge, big t trauma, but these moments in our lives where we weren't met and food came in, and food is a great substitute, especially for women. Right.

Marla  [00:09:03]:
Because it's legal. Or we were told something as a child about our body, whether it was good or it was bad. I had a lot of attention on my body as a child, and so it wasn't negative, it was positive. But then I got this idea that my body was supposed to always be that way.

Dr. Tabatha [00:09:22]:
Yeah.

Marla  [00:09:23]:
So it's these lingering things is our identity. And as we get older, we do get wiser, but then we have that experience, right? Going through perimenopause and then, like, who am I and what is this body and what is going on? So a lot of those younger, even, like, teenage years, stuff starts to bubble back up.

Dr. Tabatha [00:09:45]:
Yeah. I heard you on another podcast, and you made a comment about how you used to get positive attention for being thin and looking good. And when that goes away, it's like an identity crisis. Like, wait a second. Who am I? How are people relating to me and seeing me? And so I think a lot of women listening can relate to that because we used to work out and look sexy and be thin, and then you go through all these hormone changes and you have some weight gain, and it does feel like an identity crisis, doesn't it?

Marla  [00:10:23]:
It does. And then what happens with that? And I see this over and over again, is that the control around it is, I'm going to lose weight rather than holy man. I'm going through this rites of passage, and I'm uncomfortable, and who am I? And it's this opportunity to lean in and be like, this is uncomfortable, right? But we want to take control, and that is human nature, and that's the ego wanting to do that. And it makes sense. But being aware of, like, okay, I'm uncomfortable. I don't have to go back to the diet. That's not the answer, especially at this time in our lives. It's definitely not the answer.

Marla  [00:11:06]:
It doesn't work. It's never worked. And right now, it's like, our health is way too important to start starving and restricting and over exercising or doing whatever crazy things we're doing inside of our head that make us mentally insane, which is also insane. It just takes away all of our joy and all of our life force.

Dr. Tabatha [00:11:28]:
Yeah, that's what I hear over and over. Like, everything I used to do is no longer working. I'm doing it 100%. I'm doing everything I can. And why? Why isn't it working? Like, my body is rejecting me. So let's unpack that. Where do women even begin to start? I mean, do you recommend that they evaluate their relationship with food? Is that where that starts?

Marla  [00:11:55]:
Well, I think in one way, if we look at it from, I've been doing that story, right? I've been doing all these things, and they're not working. And we look at that from, okay, this is a bad thing. Rather than, oh, I get. I get to experience my body, and I get to have a whole new relationship with my body and. And what I have found for myself and for others, that this gives an opportunity for a deeper listening, a deeper way of connecting to ourselves, knowing ourselves more, rather than, this is just what I've always done, and I just do it. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Oh, what do I need? What does my body want? Oh, let me research what could be good for my body right now. Not.

Marla  [00:12:44]:
And this is the thing. And you talk about this a lot, and I appreciate this. It's not about the weight. It's about that the weight is often a symptom of something deeper that's going on so often. The way that our body gets our attention, and I know the way that my body got my attention is I gained weight, and then all of a sudden, you got my attention. When it comes to emotional eating, people are fine emotionally eating until they gain weight, and then they come and talk to me. It's like, now it's a problem. It wasn't a problem before or when you weren't feeling your feelings, then you were shoving all this food in your mouth.

Marla  [00:13:19]:
But now that you gain weight, now it's a problem. Right. And so we can use our weight as an opportunity to be like, okay, what's going on here? And tune in. But it's not the time to be shameful. Beat ourselves up, put ourselves down. We can't make good decisions from that place. Nothing good happens in them. We have to wait that out.

Marla  [00:13:46]:
We have to. And that can entail being upset, crying, doing your thing, and feeling all the feelings and then getting clear and then getting the clarity from this new place. Because we are different.

Dr. Tabatha [00:14:03]:
Yeah, exactly. I resonate with that so much. And it wasn't until I actually started listening to what was happening in my mind. You know, I, during COVID started doing 10% happier app with Dan Harris and Joseph Goldstein and just realizing all the chatter going on in my brain and all the things I was saying to myself, I was like, wow, you're really mean to yourself. Like, you would never say this to not even your enemy, let alone your friend, but this is how you talk to yourself. And the more I talk to women about it, I realized we're all talking to ourselves, like, in such a mean, straight up way, and we don't realize it because it's so subconscious and the most of us don't have it at the forefront. But if you can get it there, then you can start changing that conversation and that narrative, and it can be so powerful. Right? And you can start to realize, oh, that's why I'm going for the cookies.

Dr. Tabatha [00:15:08]:
That's why I'm going for the ice cream. And that's been the game changer for me, is just like completely, completely shifting your mindset.

Marla  [00:15:15]:
Yes. I mean, I just get so lit up. When you were saying you had an episode, your celebration, episode 200, where you talk about that, about the mindset and how important it is to really talk to yourself and how you want your health to be. Right. Speaking from this space of positivity. And I would say that if you were to ask me what's the number one thing you can do to have a healthier relationship with your body and food, it would be to notice how you're. How you're talking to yourself. So if you're listening to this, I want you to really hear this from me and for Doctor Tabitha, that you need to stop being so mean to yourself, stop talking to yourself so negatively.

Marla  [00:15:59]:
And it's not easy. It's literally a muscle. And you need retraining yourself and you need to start being aware that you're even doing it. That's the first thing. Like, oh, I just said that. Oh, I just said that. Oh, every time I look in the mirror, when I wake up in the morning, I go, ooh. Or every time I'm around that friend, I start to get fidgety and uncomfortable in my body.

Marla  [00:16:24]:
Right. So it's being aware of when you're literally setting yourself up to put yourself down and then begin to change that narrative. And women come together and they start bitching about themselves. They come. That's what they do. It's like bonding over bitching. And it doesn't. It's not helpful.

Marla  [00:16:46]:
So I really invite you, if you're in that scenario with other friends, to keep your mouth shut. Don't say anything negative about yourself. Right.

Dr. Tabatha [00:16:57]:
Well, and just find women or talk to your friends and make a pact, like we're going to call each other out. I have a group of girlfriends where we just call each other out. Like, oh, you're doing that again. Yeah. You need to stop that. None of that is true. Like, is that really true? No, it's not. You can have your pity party, but you need to get over it, because I'm not in agreement with anything you're saying right now.

Dr. Tabatha [00:17:23]:
You're not fat, you're not ugly, you're not, you know, incapable. Like, and that's been a game changer for me. Just having that accountability, having girlfriends. You know, we have a text thread, and, like, one of us will start bitching. Because that's what you do, right? I mean, it feels good to, like, release that, but you need somebody to stop it and say, enough is enough. None of that is actually true. What is true? And let's move forward from there. Right?

Marla  [00:17:51]:
Yeah. It's so important in my family and friends. So my business is called love your body, love yourself. So if someone says something, they'll go, love your body, love yourself.

Dr. Tabatha [00:18:01]:
You don't get any leeway.

Marla  [00:18:05]:
Exactly. And sometimes I'm not perfect either. I need to be called out, too. Because we're living in diet culture, right? We're living. It's all around us. It is just in our psyches. It's what we are brought up in. It's just here, right? So it's not to put ourselves down for putting ourselves down.

Marla  [00:18:25]:
It's to bring ourselves up. And one of the things that is so important is if you notice a friend is doing this all the time, is to even lean in a little bit more and be like, what's going on?

Dr. Tabatha [00:18:39]:
Yeah, absolutely. Are you okay?

Marla  [00:18:42]:
Like, you keep bringing this up because we often just want to bitch. But sometimes there's, like, there's a really deep seated uncomfortableness that wants to be talked about, but it only shows up from the body. And then when we tell our friends to stop, to shut up, which is appropriate in so many ways, in so many times, then it doesn't know where to go. Right. So it's having those deeper conversations, and it has to happen with yourself first. And it has to matter because so many people are feeling this low grade, they think is low grade discomfort in their body or upset about their body and talking mean to themselves. And so many people are experiencing that. Many people don't realize that they can feel better and the impact that that will actually make in their lives, in their health, in their relationships, and how they see the world when they have a better relationship with their body, and they have more freedom and they feel more peace with their food.

Marla  [00:19:50]:
It changes. It's a game changer. Changes everything.

Dr. Tabatha [00:19:54]:
Yeah, absolutely. And let's talk about this a little more because it's really important. You mentioned, like, it's often something deeper going on, you know? And luckily, with my girlfriends, we know what those struggles are, but it was through those conversations of, like, hey, what really is happening? And would you agree that a lot of times women don't even know what's wrong with them at that deeper level? They're just, like, stuck in this pattern of complaining? And what would be some tools for, like, really pulling that out of somebody? Because your friends aren't going to realize it if you're not even realizing it. And I'll tell you, I talk to women every single day in my practice, and women do not know what's going on inside of them. And it takes so much work to pull that out. Is there anything they can do on their own or do they need someone to really help them with that?

Marla  [00:20:54]:
Well, I think it's a little bit of both. I think it is the awareness that I'm uncomfortable.

Dr. Tabatha [00:21:01]:
Yeah.

Marla  [00:21:02]:
And if I'm uncomfortable all the time, that's maybe normal. It may be normalized, but it isn't mean that it's. Right.

Dr. Tabatha [00:21:15]:
Yes.

Marla  [00:21:16]:
So when we have that discomfort, when we have that anxiety, when we have that upset, to really look at it and allow ourselves to the way you would a friend. Right. So I just wrote a book called befriend yourself. And it's all about becoming your own best friend around food and body and all this. And it's like if you had a friend who was walking around agitated, being mean to ourself, you know, emotionally eating or being concerned or running around doing all those things, you would say, hey, you okay?

Dr. Tabatha [00:21:48]:
Yeah.

Marla  [00:21:48]:
Right? So it's even in that it's like, okay, am I okay? Am I really okay? And then what will happen is that first layer will say, well, I will be okay. I will be okay when I get my weight down, or I will be okay when this is okay. It ends up being very conditional when this happens. And so I want you to hear this so that you understand the next time you're in this space, if you go, well, when this gets fixed, then I will be better, because that's what I. When my weight is under control, when my food is perfect, then I will be okay. And it doesn't. It's. It's the same agitation that goes underneath everything.

Marla  [00:22:29]:
Right.

Dr. Tabatha [00:22:30]:
Because you hit that weight, right? You hit your goal weight, and you realize, I am not happy. And women are striving to something that isn't actually what brings them joy, right?

Marla  [00:22:42]:
Because then they hit the goal weight. Now they're afraid they're going to lose it, and so they're still in the fear, right? So there's that inner agitation. And I find that we really need to have. We have to have tools. We have to have tools. We have to have spiritual tools, and we have to have tools to calm us down. We have to have things that we do. And I hate to even say self care, because it sounds so.

Marla  [00:23:08]:
But it is. It's the caring of self. What? And I'm such a self care junkie. I have so many breath things and meditation things and all, you know, I'm a reiki master, so I'm always, like, finding ways to calm myself down, come back to myself. And that's. That's not easy when we're first starting, because sometimes we've gone so far away from ourselves, we don't even know who we are. And that can feel like, oh, if I even touch that, that, um, you know, that mind, it's going to blow up, right. If I even allow my.

Marla  [00:23:45]:
I've had people say, if I even allow myself to cry, I'm never going to stop.

Dr. Tabatha [00:23:48]:
Right. Because we packed it away so good. Like, you don't dare open that suitcase. Right? It's just.

Marla  [00:23:56]:
And that's when we may need someone.

Dr. Tabatha [00:23:58]:
Yeah.

Marla  [00:23:58]:
Right? Yeah, that's when we may need someone. And. And I just want to say that sometimes those things that are so packed in are just like a really good cry, and you feel so much better. Right? It's trusting ourselves and knowing that there's. There is support around you. If you're listening to this podcast, I mean, here's two women. We're here, right? And so there's people around you that can help and support you. And there's so many free resources if you're not able to be able to afford it or whatever the story is, but it's having the time and the space to give yourself the opportunity to feel, to allow your emotions to matter, because you matter and you matter, and so your emotions matter.

Marla  [00:24:51]:
And if those have the right space to be, then you don't have to shove a donut in your mouth.

Dr. Tabatha [00:24:57]:
Yeah, well, you hit on a really important point. You have to have time. I think so many women, our mo is to be busy. It makes us feel like we're accomplishing something or we're important. Or, you know, that's what we're supposed to be doing. That's the badge of honor everybody's wearing now is, I'm so busy. Like, how are you? I'm. I don't know.

Dr. Tabatha [00:25:21]:
I'm so busy, I can't even think that's the response. And that is just a distraction. Like I say, busyness is a distraction from the enemy. It's you avoiding what you're supposed to be doing. That inner work, that resting, that getting still, that calmness and, like, reconnecting with God and being like, what is happening right now? So I I couldn't agree more. We have to have the time. Put that in. That, to me, is what self care looks like.

Dr. Tabatha [00:25:52]:
You know, like the mannies and the pedis and the massage, those are great. But if you're not sitting still with your mind and actually saying, how are you? What's going on? Why are you acting this way? What's up? And being that friend. I love this concept of your book so much. Like, if you're not being a friend to yourself, you're really not going to get anywhere. You're going to stay stuck in the mud, right?

Marla  [00:26:17]:
Yeah. And if we're running. I was running my whole life, and then, I don't know, a few years ago, I crashed and burned so hard. So I don't think that our bodies always win.

Dr. Tabatha [00:26:31]:
Yeah.

Marla  [00:26:32]:
If you're running away from yourself, your body out of self preservation, your soul out of. Out of the love for, you will say, enough is enough, right? And you probably hear this all the time. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. Why did I get. I'm getting the sleep, and I'm still so tired. And it's like. But did you run and then you got the 8 hours? Or did you actually pause to be with yourself, your best friend, this being right here, like you said.

Marla  [00:27:06]:
And yes, it's time, but I find that I will find time to cry. I will cry in the car. I will cry in the shower. I have normalized that in my family where I'm in the car with my son the other day, and I'm just like, I just really need to cry. And he's like, is everything okay? I'm like, I'm just overwhelmed. So if I cry, I'll just get it all out and then I'll feel better. And he's like, oh, okay. And I'm like, whoa, I felt better.

Marla  [00:27:35]:
Yes.

Dr. Tabatha [00:27:35]:
Instead of trying to stuff them down and not feel them. Absolutely. I think it's so important. Just the idea of getting in tune with yourself as a best friend, listening and doing all of those things, but getting the tools, like you're saying. So is that what your book is basically focused on is like, here's how we're gonna get you from, you know, here to here.

Marla  [00:28:08]:
Well, you know, it's such an interesting thing. And I know, you know, this as a doctor is that is healing isn't linear, right? So it is. There are these moments where we feel really good, and we feel like we got it and we're there and we made it, and I feel good about myself, and I've got it. And then all of a sudden, I'm having binge thoughts, and I'm back into the emotional eating right. And then what I've noticed for myself, and this is how I really set up the book from this place of, like, it's not from here to here. We have to allow ourselves to go through these processes. So I would feel good for a certain amount of time and feel like I was in the flow, and then all of a sudden, I would crash and burn for a while and feel really bad about my body. And what I noticed is that the times that I was feeling bad about myself kept getting smaller and smaller so that I was then be able to realize the little red flags, which I call the pink flags.

Marla  [00:29:09]:
So it's. For me, it's that mean girl in my head that's saying, you look gross, and, oh, look at her, and you're not her, right? It's like, boing, boing, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Slow down. What's going on? What's happening here? Slow down. Be with that. What am I upset about? And when I attend to that, then I'm not a week from now planning my next diet or emotionally eating or whatever it is. So I've noticed that it's not that we want to think that we are just, the food is just going to be perfect once we get it. It's that when the food isn't perfect, when we have a situation, and I've had many of these moments where it's like, okay, I went to a party.

Marla  [00:29:56]:
I over ate. I have a choice. And I could feel the choice, right? Sometimes we don't have the choice. Do I go into shame or do I go into compassion for myself? Oh, here we are again. Right now, we're in the same place, but it's different. It's different because we're aware and we did do those things to take care of ourselves, but we're still here and we still over eight. Okay, what are we going to do? Well, I know what we're not going to do. We're not going to starve ourselves and do all the things we used to do.

Marla  [00:30:27]:
Right. So that brings us back into the momentum of freedom and peace again.

Dr. Tabatha [00:30:34]:
Yeah.

Marla  [00:30:34]:
So it's not about being perfect. It's about being. Because normal. This is what I found. People who are normal with food, they still eat. Maybe they overeat, but they don't make it about their worth. They're just like, well, that was. Ugh, I feel awful.

Marla  [00:30:54]:
That was awful. I don't want to do that again. And then they kind of move on. But for me, it was like, I am awful. I'm disgusted. How could I do that? Right? But those are the things to mind and look at. Okay. Wow.

Marla  [00:31:10]:
All these mean things I'm saying to myself. So, you know, the book is a lot of real stories of myself, my own journey, and a lot of clients, you know, and coming up to these moments of choosing to be away from the shame and moving into the compassion, it's a completely different ballgame. It's like you've been going to the baseball game for a long time, like we said, doing the same thing, and now you have to go into a whole other ballgame and learn something different. And that is where the freedom and the peace can really show up in such a miraculous way.

Dr. Tabatha [00:31:45]:
Yeah, I love all of that. That's really key. I just. Ladies, if you're hearing this, it is not linear. It's not like a switch that you just turn on and off. You know, women are always looking for that quick fix or that quick answer and solution, and we've even ingrained it into women that that's how menopause is. It's like you just go from normal periods and then you're done and you're in menopause. And perimenopause is this time of transition, and you have to start to understand this because you are going to have down days.

Dr. Tabatha [00:32:23]:
Your hormones are doing a lot of crazy things, and they're not cycling perfectly anymore. And so I find myself feeling amazing for a couple weeks, and then all of a sudden, I'm, like, depressed. And. But now that I know that it's only going to be two days, and I, like, have that awareness, like you said, you start having those different conversations with yourself and navigating your way out of it and giving yourself grace and compassion. Like, I found myself wanting a Snickers bar yesterday after a whirlwind of 24 hours taking my son on a trip and, like, all things going wrong. And then I remembered, like, oh, this is the time that my hormones are shifting anyway, eat the candy bar and don't feel bad about it and move on. Like, don't, you know, don't beat yourself up. But it takes getting to know yourself in this new way, in this new time and life to.

Dr. Tabatha [00:33:27]:
To figure all that out, right?

Marla  [00:33:31]:
And what I also heard you say, and it's so important, is the acceptance, right? The acceptance. And that can be scary, right? Because it can feel like if I accept my body the way it is, then it's never going to change.

Dr. Tabatha [00:33:47]:
Oh, my gosh, yes. Let's talk about that, please.

Marla  [00:33:50]:
I mean, that was my way of dieting, right? I never would let myself accept myself. If I let myself accept myself, I would get into a fear. It was like, fear went up my spine. It was like, you are not allowed to accept yourself. If you accept yourself, then you're going to start eating, and you're going to gain all this weight, and then you're not going to be right. So it was like, oh, it was. So I used non acceptance as a bit of a whip. And so this is where it's nonlinear.

Marla  [00:34:23]:
This is where it's cyclical. It's like, we have to try acceptance on. It's a muscle. Okay? For today, I accept. This is how my body is for right now. For today, I feel a little bit depressed, or for today, I feel a little bit uncomfortable in my body. Can I accept that? That's true, right? It doesn't mean now you're accepting it, and then you're just going to, like, let it all go, right?

Dr. Tabatha [00:34:51]:
I would say that was pivotal for me. I had to accept that my body had limitations. It wasn't in the best shape. It didn't look the way I wanted it to look, and it didn't feel the way I wanted it to feel. And it was getting progressively worse, and I didn't know how to change that. And once I started accepting that, then I was able to look for new ways to change and grow. And I just. I started thinking of it as evolving.

Dr. Tabatha [00:35:25]:
And instead of, like, trying to heal a body, I hated and change a body I hated, that just left me miserable and frustrated every single time. So as soon as I was like, I love you as a size eight, but we're still going to show up every day and work out, even when we feel uncomfortable, how our body looks. That's when my body started changing. And you know, and now I'm consistently pretty much the same because I just show up and I love myself. It's been the game changer.

Marla  [00:36:01]:
Yes. You spoke to this. And I want to spell it out for everyone. She was loving herself, even though she may not have been liking it.

Dr. Tabatha [00:36:11]:
Yeah.

Marla  [00:36:11]:
So not like our body. And we can still show up with love and respect. We can have both. I don't like what it looks like. I don't like how it shows up. I don't like the fact that I didn't sleep very well last night and I'm jet lagged. Right. I don't like that.

Marla  [00:36:27]:
Right. I still stayed in bed later today because I love my body and I didn't make myself get up and do all the things. I didn't like it. But I love myself. I respect myself. I respect my body. So knowing that you can have both, right?

Dr. Tabatha [00:36:46]:
Yeah. And I heard you talk about this like, it's like having a spouse. You don't always like your spouse. Like, you might be not getting along, but you still love them. And you still are going to show up and meet their needs and do that as a loving partner because you love them and you'll figure out the like stuff because there's some stuff to work through. But that doesn't mean you're like, I give up. You know, we're not going to the gym anymore. We're not eating right anymore.

Dr. Tabatha [00:37:13]:
Like, I give up. Big difference.

Marla  [00:37:16]:
It's a very big difference. And that's where we have to realize that we're in relationship with ourselves. We're in love, that we're in an intimate relationship with ourselves. And our pleasure matters, us feeling good matters, and we have. We have the control. I'll use that word. We have the control to create as much joy and pleasure as we allow through acceptance, through slowing down, through allowing. Right.

Marla  [00:37:48]:
And through being with ourselves and allowing that.

Dr. Tabatha [00:37:53]:
Yeah. And I, you know, I always bring it back to God because that's my jam. I just think if you invite God into that relationship that you're having with yourself, like, you can do anything. You can shift your body and create the life and feel amazing. And I have found so much joy and peace with myself that I never thought I would have. Like, if you would have asked me ten or 15 years ago, I would have thought you were crazy. And I'm just at so much peace now. Like, it just.

Dr. Tabatha [00:38:29]:
It's incredible. So I love all the work you're doing, and I'm so excited for your book. I can't wait but, okay, so the book comes out in October, right? But you have stuff for women to, like, get into action right now. So please tell them I know they're hungry for this.

Marla  [00:38:46]:
Yes. Okay. So my book, befriend yourself, finding freedom with food and peace with your body. If you pre order, I'm going to send you my course called body compassion collective. So this is a self guided course. And then you also will get exclusive access to my befriend yourself workshop. That will happen towards the end of October.

Dr. Tabatha [00:39:07]:
Oh, awesome.

Marla  [00:39:08]:
So I would love to have you, you know, sign up to preorder and get all those goodies and get yourselves, you know, going on this journey. Right. And there is a lot of stuff about spirituality. And if that's something that you're leaning into a little bit, not knowing how, or you have a relationship with God and you have a spiritual practice, this book is infused with ways to bring that in because some people don't really know how or they're wanting to, or they already do have a relationship with God, and they're like, well, how do I marry that? I put God over here, my body over here, my food over here. And it's like that marriage of those can just, like you said, just, like, just blow your life up in the most amazing miracle ways because we're not really in control.

Dr. Tabatha [00:40:00]:
Right. Well, I love that you mentioned, like, if you're feeling timid about that or you don't even know what that looks like, to have a spiritual practice or to tap into that. Like a lot of women I know, I was scared, even though I was raised Catholic. Like, I was, like, all the stuff was drilled into me, all the doctrine, but I was intimidated. I was afraid to read the bible for a long time because it just. It felt overwhelming. And it's kind of like opening that closet that it's been overstuffed, like we were talking about earlier. Like, it feels scary to start opening stuff that's over packed and you don't want it to blow up in your face.

Dr. Tabatha [00:40:44]:
But I think that just figuring out a way how to just crack the door open a little bit and think about nourishing your soul just a little bit and how that does relate to what's going on in your body, it's going to be so impactful. So I love that you are tackling this piece as well, because I think it's absolutely necessary. So I'm really excited about your book. The link is in the show notes. Like, definitely go get the bonuses. Now start working on this stuff because there's no reason to wait or put this off. Like, you're just going to continue to struggle and suffer and it's super unnecessary. Right? Like just get into action, take messy action.

Marla  [00:41:32]:
Right?

Dr. Tabatha [00:41:32]:
Exactly. I love that. So we'll have your website on there. Love your body, love yourself. We'll have the link for the bonuses. It's so good. And absolutely watch Marla's TED talk and just consume all our content because I promise you, this is the solution to your weight loss issues. Right? Because it's not really about your weight.

Dr. Tabatha [00:41:57]:
So thank you for being such an amazing guest and so insightful. And I know there's somebody on here was like, oh, my gosh, I needed to hear that today.

Marla  [00:42:07]:
I hope so.

Dr. Tabatha [00:42:08]:
Absolutely. Well, thank you. You're so fabulous. So good luck on the book. We'll have to have you back.

Marla  [00:42:16]:
Yes, that'd be great.

Dr. Tabatha [00:42:18]:
Okay. I know you got some golden nuggets out of that one. I would say for me it was, you don't have to like yourself today, but you need to love yourself and respect yourself. So start moving forward with that. Treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend or your spouse. Like, really love on yourself. Give yourself what you need. Ask yourself what's going on and how you can be more supportive of yourself.

Dr. Tabatha [00:42:50]:
So that's going to start to shift things for you. And then let me know how is that working out for you? And if you feel like you need, you know, a guide or professional help, especially if you're having a lot of physical symptoms, often those things have manifested into physical problems that we need to take care of with functional medicine. So that's what we do at her higher health. But check out the show notes for the bonus stuff that Marla is giving away, because those tools might be all you need to really get into action and take the next step into shifting your life. So, okay, if you're watching this on YouTube, I would be so grateful if you would hit the subscribe button and then turn on your notifications that every time I put something up, you'll be the first to know about it. Because. Because I really want women to find this information. And unfortunately, sometimes that's, you know, numbers, the metrics of like, how many subscribers does she have, how many downloads and stuff.

Dr. Tabatha [00:44:04]:
Like, we superficially that has some influence and some impact on our decision making. So help me make it look more desirable to women so they consume this content. We need to consume, consume more of this and lift each other up as sisters. So hit the share button, send them a message with the link. Do something nice for a fellow friend today. Or a stranger, okay? So go out, have an amazing week. God's got you, and I'll see you here next time.